Why I Am Taking a Break From Teaching
A week of work completed, Friday drinks in the city and Journey pumping through my headphones. Somewhere between a mood of melancholy and cloud nine. Not sure which is more accurate.
One thought running through my mind, I love working with children. The energy, the perception and the power which they create for themselves. I find it uplifting, and it inspires me to become better.
This year I didn’t expect to work at all. Instead, I intended to travel, love and explore new and exciting places (more on that later).
Yet I found myself working a camp. I was asked by the small business I used to work for, the people who helped make me into the person I am today. An honour to say yes. I simply can’t say no to them. Thank you.
And with a free week, I took off to the coast and commenced working with some lovely children and staff.
Now there are two different things I learned about myself during this week whilst amid the chaos.
My identity for a long time has been wrapped up around what I do. I love teaching, not all the elements but actually working and building relationships with students. I am good at it; I’ve worked hard at it over the years. Not always the smoothest transition but it’s rare for me to not be able to connect in some capacity.
I am a teacher and I have a firm belief that for myself to be able to do the best job possible I need to wrap my identity within the job, the craft the life of being a teacher. This doesn’t work for everyone, and I don’t actually think it’s healthy. I did the same when I was at university wrapping my identity into being a student. In a sense, it consumes me as a human being.
However, I do know many of us wrap our identities in what we do. I can only attest to why I do. The reasons range across a spectrum. I say that to say in the process of wrapping my identity in this thing, that when I move on from it, I lose myself. Shattered, and challenged in a way I never seem to be ready for.
Who am I if not a teacher? The challenge to find out.
I admittedly have ego tied into this; I am proud as hell to be a teacher. Often lighting up at the idea of being able to discuss it with someone. Giving up teaching pressed me to give up a certain part of that ego. The part of me that naturally forced me to have an anchor on my why. Why I teach. And on the harder days, something as simple as understanding why you are doing something can help you through the day.
Much of my joy over the past years has come from working with children and I already feel myself missing those elements of my job. But if I am honest, it’s never been the job. I miss the children. My last group of children I’d spent more time with them than my family in the last decade — hollowing.
I knew them and they knew me.
They always say that the teacher is there to teach the students. I don’t believe that’s always the truth. I feel students can teach teachers just as much if not more. I’m not talking about the content; I’m talking about life.
Growth inspires growth. Always.
And it is a firm belief of mine that watching young people grow, learn and try their best to be better versions of themselves is the most inspiring thing for us to take action in our own lives.
I learnt lessons, I cried, and I became a better person in the four walls of that room. The beige walls on certain days forced me to be a better version of myself. I think of it often. And often it makes me smile. My students were responsible for that.
I never thought I’d be a teacher and it’s the best thing I have ever done.
Deeply pained by the decision to leave the profession for a while, I took a step back and bought a one-way ticket to South America. The decision wasn’t an easy one. After many weeks of going back and forth, I came to a simple thought. I can’t be a good teacher long term without going and living and doing all these things I’ve spent my life speaking about but not actually doing.
I could’ve easily settled into the life, found a house, and a partner, working in the same place for a decade. And it would’ve been a good life. I’m not faulting anyone who does this, part of me wanted to. Like really wanted to. However, I wouldn’t have been authentic to myself or the students I’d taught for the year.
Fear isn’t a good enough excuse.
I made a choice, to go and live. And it pained me the moment I made it; it had been a hard day in the classroom — I was dealing with something above my skillset. The day ended with a compassionate series of comments from a student. “You had a hard day today, Mr Hart. Tomorrow will be better.’ It wasn’t a question, but a statement. And the following day morning I was gifted something the student had made me overnight. I went for a run that evening, belting out the run until I reached a point I needed to stop. Collapsing to the ground and sitting for a while overlooking the ocean, the late afternoon sun glistening off the water. I made the decision at that moment I would be moving across the pacific. I wanted to know if it glistened there too. Overlooking the ocean has always helped me make large life decisions. And when I got back up, I felt the freest I’d felt in months. I made it back to the car in half the time.
The young student had given me a knowing look late the following day and said, ‘see it was a better day today hey?’ This time it was a question. I smiled my face off for the next three days. My student was the wise one, not me at that moment. I felt I had permission, in a weird sort of way. And I want them to know that moment changed the direction of my life. And I hope they follow their dreams because their dreams are bigger than mine will ever be.
Follow your dream kid, was my mantra for the next few months.
A few months removed from teaching and one thing sticks out as a present feeling of trying to discover who I am without that part of my life. It’s strange spending so much time alone and not spending multiple hours a day working with young people.
You no longer need to say things like, put your hats on, personal bubble, pick up five pieces of paper, and make a start, please. Laughing whilst I think about it.
I can and will at some stage, come back to teaching. Not sure when, but when I do it’ll be because I am ready and can’t stay away.
Essentially removing young people from my life has taken away my biggest purpose-driven goal of the past years. My way of giving back in a certain way.
I am deeply curious to see how this develops over the next year of my life. But once my student, always my student.
And that’s to say changing who you are is a difficult and often uncharted path. Trust the uncharted path. Fill the old empty spaces of who you are with better new ones. And as always, follow your dream kid.
