Crocodile Infested Waters
October 2023
The darkness invades, like a crocodile wrapping its jaws around your throat, turning you into a present and pulling you into the depths of the river to finish you later.
The irony doesn’t evade me, as I write this in green ink.
Splotch, Splotch, Splotch.
Bringing a little light, because no matter how dark there is ALWAYS some light. Always.
I try to outrun myself, but I’m caught up in a maze of mirrors. Like those ones they have at amusement parks.
I see a man who looks like one of my dear friends — I go to call out. Stopping myself mid-thought because it wasn’t him.
I’m falling.
A shell of who I’ve been. Misplacing my better self.
Self-worth was taken to the bottom of the river with the crocodile and hasn’t been able to escape. It’s stuck in the mud.
A rescue mission commences.
Learning to stand, walk and run all over again.
It occurs to me I‘ve been here before. Knowing it doesn’t last, the light will eventually prevail.
Which brings me to the second part of this piece written a month on. Feeling better, clearer, healthier and lighter in more ways than one.
Important to remember those tough sections of life can and will occur.
Approaching 30 has been tougher than I thought. I don’t have anything figured out. I’m working seasonal jobs on the other side of the globe. Often feeling I’ve lost my way.
My timeline is different than yours.
Yours is different than mine.
And when you see your own ugly components on display it pulls you deep into the crocodile-infested river.
I never entirely lose hope. I do however forget where it’s been placed. In the process of finding my hope, you find all those things you were never interested in finding again. Self-worth, insecurities, pain, past moments and everything in between.
Time goes slow and then you injure yourself and time goes really slow. No option but to sit with the discomfort.
And I say that to say, life isn’t linear.
The days have stretched out to be long.
I haven’t worked hard on anything in months.
I’ve lost the path I had once found.
An injury has sidelined me much longer than I wish it had.
Causing me to slow and revaluate. Time in my own head hasn’t been my friend.
I’d forgotten what the challenge was. I forgot the tough mental sections of life. I forgot what it’s like to be injured.
Down in the South, I’ve had some of the toughest days I’ve had in close to a decade.
And with that, the guilt kicks in — in a beautiful part of the world, with a girl I’m in love with and living the life that when I was 15, I dreamed of.
A one-way ticket, stamps in one’s passport, no commitments and an endless call to adventure.
Yet here I am feeling flat and shit. Life is weird. I laugh at that.
And I say that to say I am a rational person, understanding this is just a section of time and I’m by no means out.
Perhaps down, yet never out.
I then take solace in the idea this feels like the first time my world stopped in a long while. I remind myself this time is a beautiful reset. I remind myself I am a tough human who’s gone through his fair share of shit and come out the other end.
I remind myself I am not okay, but I will be.
Life is always a problem, and at this current stage, this is my own.
I’ll just listen to sadder songs than normal, write in abundance and drink a little too much coffee.
The healing journey begins, and it’s with that thought that I’m excited.
It’s December now and the path has never felt clearer
Love Tim x
