I found myself sitting alone on the now fragile roof of my Subaru, staring out at the calm ocean and listening to Slowly Slowly. I couldn’t help finding the irony in that. I couldn’t grasp the thought the words from this band fit a place so imperfectly the same way they fit into my life. I couldn’t help but laugh when I realised, I was sitting at a beach called Quarantine Bay completely alone smiling. I couldn’t believe I was still driving my beat-up Subaru 8 years later. I really just couldn’t believe I was happy at this moment.
I’ve been compromised by my own thoughts in the past few months. I doubt myself more than ever, I avoid the hard work, I avoided myself putting my energy into others instead of myself. I keep coming back to the idea of am I brave enough for this journey.
I sit at my computer for the first time in two months writing this piece right here. I’m afraid to share myself the way I have. In part because I am no longer the same person but for some deeply ingrained reason, I feel it means more now. More than ever, there’s a fear that never existed, I feel compromised, I feel weaker, I feel different to the person who was scared but still managed to say fuck it. I know this all passes but today it’s here.
Looming like an argument you know you need to have but you tiptoe around for two days first. 2020 had me feeling a little more sensitive, a little more emotional and this is the first time I find myself in tears a few times across the week. I’m not afraid to admit it. It’s not just me, and there’s comfort in knowing I’m not really alone.
The hits feel harder. These thoughts I write aren’t only coming from my analysis but from friends, family, students, people I read and listen too. There’s a theme. And interestingly enough the high school students seem to lack clarity on the whole situation with no reference point, but I feel most adults are in a similar boat. We haven’t seen this before. I can’t believe how much I hate that line, but here I am the one writing it; feeling all too real.
Despite all the things mentioned, I feel these are things I’ve needed to learn, and I was just waiting for an applicable time. One which allowed me to work through the more complicated things within my head. I had the time, I had the time alone, I had to work through the shit in my head; not because I wanted to but because I was forced to.
This all came to a head one morning a few weeks ago. I’m not going into details, but I stood up for myself in a situation I normally would just let things go, normally just tolerating and telling myself this is what civilised people do. Instead, I raised my voice and said what I needed to say. It’s the first time I have felt brave in any sense in a long while. I stood at the door looking out, after knowing I just did what I needed to do. I couldn’t help but recognise my body language, the day before I had been leaning against the very same doorway, and the very next morning I was standing tall with my head up.
I was brave enough in that moment — the other moments didn’t feel as significant. I needed a moment like that to teach me I still had this in me.
None the less I feel more inspired in the past few days than I have all last year. I want to share myself in that way in which people find slightly uncomfortable because they are unable to do it themselves.
I hope this has helped you in some way.
I want you to do the same.
Share yourself.
Be brave.
Put on a brave face even if you don’t feel brave.
Show up, start and just know you are not alone.
Not now. Not ever.
